I'm such an idiot

Emily is mad at me, I think.  Worse, she's sad.  She said it isn't me, but I don't believe it.  Maybe it isn't just that, but it's part of it.

Not too long before this, we were talking about one thing or another, and the topic of her getting some sun came up.  I admonished her not to get too much because I didn't want her getting skin cancer or getting old and wrinkly before her time.

Well, yeah, it seems obvious to you now, but I had no idea then that this is where we'd end up.  Alright, alright, I should have known.

Anyway, I have two points I want to make.

First, is appreciation of aesthetics inherently shallow?  I love the fact that she's as beautiful as she is and why the hell should I apologize for that?  And why is it so bad that I want to cherish it as long as I can?  (A:  Because I've given her the impression that it's more important to me than is reasonable.  Nobody with any sort of depth to her wants to be loved for just her looks.  Unfortunately, there are things I've done and said over the course of our relationship that play into this, which is already one of her insecurities.)

Second, I love her for so much more than her beauty.  To begin with, she's very smart.  She probably doesn't realize that her mind is the thing I love most about her.  (Which, of course, is my fault for not making clear.)  Beyond that, she's both fun and funny.  I enormously enjoy nearly every moment I spend with her and this is the most important part of our relationship, to me.  Whether we're playing darts, grocery shopping, holding each other in bed after waking up, watching Six Feet Under, driving somewhere, looking for a place to live, or whatever.  She makes life a blast.

And she loves me.  I can't begin to describe how good it makes me feel.

There are other things I could (and probably should) list here.  But I won't now because I'm feeling totally shitty about the distance I've created between us.  That's the worst part.  Oye, I fucked this one up.